LOSING YOUR "BEST FRIEND" - the process of reconciliation and acceptance
By Karen Gray-Kilfoil - ANIMAL BEHAVIOURIST and Carole O’Leary - ANIMAL BEHAVIOURIST
Whether your pet was old or young, was lost, died or was euthanased, this is always a sad time, especially if you were very attached to him or her. The way you feel will also depend on how you lost your pet. Sometimes it is easier to accept the death of a pet who died a “natural death” or was elderly, but if your pet died traumatically in an accident, was put down due to a behaviour problem or is lost, then the emotional reactions are much more complex, guilt and shock playing much bigger roles.
Remaining pets:
Other animals in the family can also show signs of loss and this often affects your reactions too. Often these pets’ reactions are real and not just imagined by anthropomorphic owners. However it is important to see them in perspective and not read too much into little actions. How you cope with the remaining pets is important as they need to be cared for and given positive attention, despite your feelings of sorrow for your lost pet. You may even feel resentful of your living pets because they “survived” or may even have been the cause of the death of your pet. You will need to be philosophical and accepting of the nature of animals and of the life and death cycle, no matter how unfair it seems. Doing the minimum for your pets every day will help, like regular walks, grooming and of course feeding them.
Grieving stages:
As humans we feel many emotions at this time. The emotional stages include shock, denial (pretending it didn’t happen), pain (often this is physical and we may even get sick), anger (either at your pet for leaving you, at the cause of death or at the world in general) and guilt (because you didn’t try hard enough, do enough, love your pet enough, “if only I’d …..”). These feelings take time to pass: some people take longer, some feelings take longer or are stronger and some situations take longer than others to resolve. These are all normal reactions and you need to go through them to get to the final stages of acceptance and then resolution.
Someone to talk to:
Outsiders’ reactions are sometimes helpful and sometimes not. You may feel silly revealing your grief to an outsider because it was “only a pet” and yet you feel as bad as if a family member had died. You may get unhelpful advice and competitive stories, half-truths are told to children and judgemental comments come out. You may get: “I told you ….” or “Next time you should ….” or “You will get over it” or “Get another pet” as solutions to your grief. Most of all, people who have not been through this themselves do not know how it feels and cannot understand how you feel. Best to find someone who does understand and wants to help by listening and not offering too much advice. You need someone who will acknowledge your feelings. Going through the facts of the death helps to clear it and involve the listener. Don’t be afraid to cry on someone’s shoulder. It may have only been an animal, but your feelings are real and need to be released. Try to work through all the emotional stages and find out where you are “stuck” at the moment. Each day you can go through them again and you will find that they do change over time. Past “baggage” can block your recovery, so you may need to look at other losses in your life and re-accept them too. Resolution is part of the growth process of life and although getting “stuck” is normal, being permanently “stuck” is destructive and you may need professional help if you feel this is where you are.
Telling children:
Children should never be lied to. They need to be able to cope with death when they grow up and this is an opportunity to teach them about it and your beliefs around it. Children accept death more quickly than adults, but also go through all the emotional stages, so respect their modes of expression. They may throw tantrums, cry for hours, have nighmares or laugh hysterically at silly things. Often their sadness comes out as anger at a parent because it is “safe” – the parent will love them anyway. Stay close by, but try not to react and when this is over, love your child and allow him or her to cry in your arms.
Memorial:
Memorials are important, both physically and spiritually. It may help to look at photos or other representations (even things he or she may have chewed) of your pet, to draw a picture, write a poem, make a collage or plant a tree or plant in memory of him or her. If you have the ashes you can have a little ceremony scattering them somewhere appropriate. If you have buried your pet then you could decorate the grave. Spend quiet time each day remembering the good times you had together.
Another pet?
If you are thinking of getting another pet it is important to wait a few weeks or even months so that you can get through all the emotional stages of grieving first. If you don’t then the new pet becomes a distraction from the death. This will prolong your grieving process and you may even take out your anger on the new pet. Be careful of getting another pet that is too like your dead one as you will be too tempted to compare them all the time. This is not fair on the new pet as he or she will never live up to the old one that you were so attached to. Do some research into the type of pet that will suit all members of the family, especially if your previous pet was not suitable or had a behaviour problem.
Time heals all. Enjoy the happy ghosts – may they always be with you!
Remaining pets:
Other animals in the family can also show signs of loss and this often affects your reactions too. Often these pets’ reactions are real and not just imagined by anthropomorphic owners. However it is important to see them in perspective and not read too much into little actions. How you cope with the remaining pets is important as they need to be cared for and given positive attention, despite your feelings of sorrow for your lost pet. You may even feel resentful of your living pets because they “survived” or may even have been the cause of the death of your pet. You will need to be philosophical and accepting of the nature of animals and of the life and death cycle, no matter how unfair it seems. Doing the minimum for your pets every day will help, like regular walks, grooming and of course feeding them.
Grieving stages:
As humans we feel many emotions at this time. The emotional stages include shock, denial (pretending it didn’t happen), pain (often this is physical and we may even get sick), anger (either at your pet for leaving you, at the cause of death or at the world in general) and guilt (because you didn’t try hard enough, do enough, love your pet enough, “if only I’d …..”). These feelings take time to pass: some people take longer, some feelings take longer or are stronger and some situations take longer than others to resolve. These are all normal reactions and you need to go through them to get to the final stages of acceptance and then resolution.
Someone to talk to:
Outsiders’ reactions are sometimes helpful and sometimes not. You may feel silly revealing your grief to an outsider because it was “only a pet” and yet you feel as bad as if a family member had died. You may get unhelpful advice and competitive stories, half-truths are told to children and judgemental comments come out. You may get: “I told you ….” or “Next time you should ….” or “You will get over it” or “Get another pet” as solutions to your grief. Most of all, people who have not been through this themselves do not know how it feels and cannot understand how you feel. Best to find someone who does understand and wants to help by listening and not offering too much advice. You need someone who will acknowledge your feelings. Going through the facts of the death helps to clear it and involve the listener. Don’t be afraid to cry on someone’s shoulder. It may have only been an animal, but your feelings are real and need to be released. Try to work through all the emotional stages and find out where you are “stuck” at the moment. Each day you can go through them again and you will find that they do change over time. Past “baggage” can block your recovery, so you may need to look at other losses in your life and re-accept them too. Resolution is part of the growth process of life and although getting “stuck” is normal, being permanently “stuck” is destructive and you may need professional help if you feel this is where you are.
Telling children:
Children should never be lied to. They need to be able to cope with death when they grow up and this is an opportunity to teach them about it and your beliefs around it. Children accept death more quickly than adults, but also go through all the emotional stages, so respect their modes of expression. They may throw tantrums, cry for hours, have nighmares or laugh hysterically at silly things. Often their sadness comes out as anger at a parent because it is “safe” – the parent will love them anyway. Stay close by, but try not to react and when this is over, love your child and allow him or her to cry in your arms.
Memorial:
Memorials are important, both physically and spiritually. It may help to look at photos or other representations (even things he or she may have chewed) of your pet, to draw a picture, write a poem, make a collage or plant a tree or plant in memory of him or her. If you have the ashes you can have a little ceremony scattering them somewhere appropriate. If you have buried your pet then you could decorate the grave. Spend quiet time each day remembering the good times you had together.
Another pet?
If you are thinking of getting another pet it is important to wait a few weeks or even months so that you can get through all the emotional stages of grieving first. If you don’t then the new pet becomes a distraction from the death. This will prolong your grieving process and you may even take out your anger on the new pet. Be careful of getting another pet that is too like your dead one as you will be too tempted to compare them all the time. This is not fair on the new pet as he or she will never live up to the old one that you were so attached to. Do some research into the type of pet that will suit all members of the family, especially if your previous pet was not suitable or had a behaviour problem.
Time heals all. Enjoy the happy ghosts – may they always be with you!
