Keys to Coping With Grief During the Holidays
Although this article is talking about the loss of a family member or friend, we felt that also really relevant where the loss of our animals are concerned, so for this reason decided to share with you.
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Story at-a-glance
While many view the winter holidays as a wonderful time of the year — especially as it relates to the many festivities enjoyed together with family and friends — after the death of a loved one, these occasions are not only less wonderful, but can also be stressful and depressing
Grief can be an “emotional rollercoaster” — one day you’re up and the next day you’re down — and feelings of loss can sweep over you unexpectedly at any time; dealing with grief and loss during the holidays can be particularly challenging
Everyone deals with grief and loss at some time in their lives, and many more suffer with it during the holidays than you may realize
Some tips to help you navigate the holidays while grieving include: Be gentle with yourself; listen to your body and your emotions; seek out activities and people that make you happy; learn to say no; and talk about how you’re feeling
You can also use the Emotional Freedom Techniques, a healthy diet, daily exercise, proper sleep, meditation and supplements to help you cope with holiday stress
By Dr. Mercola
Dealing with the loss of my mom, who died this past July, I have a new appreciation for those who experience intensified feelings of grief and loss during the holiday season. Grief is a valuable feeling but can be an “emotional rollercoaster.” Given its ebb and flow, it can be hard to know how to embrace, process and express feelings of grief, especially during the holidays.
The most important resource to help me resolve the grief with my mother was the last book that Dr. David Hawkins wrote before he passed, “Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender.” He teaches a simple yet profoundly effective strategy that helps you fully experience your feelings until they morph and change. This was one of the best books I read this year.
If your heart is heavy this Christmas, while the “rest of the world” seems to be experiencing a time of joyous celebration, you are not alone. Everyone deals with grief and loss at some time in their lives, and many more are actively suffering than you may realize. Thankfully, there are numerous tips and tools to help you cope and get through this sensitive time in ways that honor you and your deceased loved one.
Why Do Holidays Compound Our Sense of Grief?
No matter how much time has passed since the death of a loved one or how much emotional healing has taken place, something about the holidays tends to bring feelings of grief and loss rushing to the surface all over again. Intense feelings of grief can cause you to view the holiday season with dread. You may come to see it as something to “get through,” rather than a series of occasions to be celebrated and enjoyed.
Emotions run high, especially the first year immediately after the death of your loved one. While you may feel better equipped to deal with the emotions in subsequent years, some aspect of the grief will undoubtedly linger. As such, the holidays may always be difficult to some degree without the presence of that special person.
Dr. Anthony Komaroff, professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School, practicing senior physician at Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston and editor-in-chief of the Harvard Health Letter, who experienced the loss of his father one month before the holidays, knows firsthand how difficult it can be to celebrate the holidays while grieving the loss of someone dear. He states:1
“Family and togetherness are key themes for the holidays. That can make the holidays awfully difficult for people who are grieving the loss of a loved one … Although grief is nearly universal, it expresses itself in many different ways … Frequent crying spells, depressed mood, sleep disturbances and loss of appetite …
“Family and togetherness are key themes for the holidays. That can make the holidays awfully difficult for people who are grieving the loss of a loved one … Although grief is nearly universal, it expresses itself in many different ways … Frequent crying spells, depressed mood, sleep disturbances and loss of appetite …
Writing for the Huffington Post, Rhonda O’Neill, author, grief survivor and pediatric registered nurse, who has successfully navigated a number of holiday seasons while grieving the deaths of her husband and a son, writes:2
“Society sends us the message that we are supposed to be joyful and that the holidays are a time for celebration and connecting with people we love … We are required to show up to family gatherings, with a vital part of our family missing, and pretend that we are fine. We are not fine.
“Society sends us the message that we are supposed to be joyful and that the holidays are a time for celebration and connecting with people we love … We are required to show up to family gatherings, with a vital part of our family missing, and pretend that we are fine. We are not fine.
Tips on Dealing With Grief During the Holidays
Because feelings of grief and loss tend to be intensified during the holidays, it’s important you mentally prepare yourself beforehand. By being aware the holidays will likely trigger heavy emotions, you can take steps to care for your tender heart as you go through them. O’Neill offers the following suggestions for grieving during this festive time of year:
Dealing with the loss of my mom, who died this past July, I have a new appreciation for those who experience intensified feelings of grief and loss during the holiday season. Grief is a valuable feeling but can be an “emotional rollercoaster.” Given its ebb and flow, it can be hard to know how to embrace, process and express feelings of grief, especially during the holidays.
The most important resource to help me resolve the grief with my mother was the last book that Dr. David Hawkins wrote before he passed, “Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender.” He teaches a simple yet profoundly effective strategy that helps you fully experience your feelings until they morph and change. This was one of the best books I read this year.
If your heart is heavy this Christmas, while the “rest of the world” seems to be experiencing a time of joyous celebration, you are not alone. Everyone deals with grief and loss at some time in their lives, and many more are actively suffering than you may realize. Thankfully, there are numerous tips and tools to help you cope and get through this sensitive time in ways that honor you and your deceased loved one.
Why Do Holidays Compound Our Sense of Grief?
No matter how much time has passed since the death of a loved one or how much emotional healing has taken place, something about the holidays tends to bring feelings of grief and loss rushing to the surface all over again. Intense feelings of grief can cause you to view the holiday season with dread. You may come to see it as something to “get through,” rather than a series of occasions to be celebrated and enjoyed.
Emotions run high, especially the first year immediately after the death of your loved one. While you may feel better equipped to deal with the emotions in subsequent years, some aspect of the grief will undoubtedly linger. As such, the holidays may always be difficult to some degree without the presence of that special person.
Dr. Anthony Komaroff, professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School, practicing senior physician at Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston and editor-in-chief of the Harvard Health Letter, who experienced the loss of his father one month before the holidays, knows firsthand how difficult it can be to celebrate the holidays while grieving the loss of someone dear. He states:1
“Family and togetherness are key themes for the holidays. That can make the holidays awfully difficult for people who are grieving the loss of a loved one … Although grief is nearly universal, it expresses itself in many different ways … Frequent crying spells, depressed mood, sleep disturbances and loss of appetite …
“Family and togetherness are key themes for the holidays. That can make the holidays awfully difficult for people who are grieving the loss of a loved one … Although grief is nearly universal, it expresses itself in many different ways … Frequent crying spells, depressed mood, sleep disturbances and loss of appetite …
Writing for the Huffington Post, Rhonda O’Neill, author, grief survivor and pediatric registered nurse, who has successfully navigated a number of holiday seasons while grieving the deaths of her husband and a son, writes:2
“Society sends us the message that we are supposed to be joyful and that the holidays are a time for celebration and connecting with people we love … We are required to show up to family gatherings, with a vital part of our family missing, and pretend that we are fine. We are not fine.
“Society sends us the message that we are supposed to be joyful and that the holidays are a time for celebration and connecting with people we love … We are required to show up to family gatherings, with a vital part of our family missing, and pretend that we are fine. We are not fine.
Tips on Dealing With Grief During the Holidays
Because feelings of grief and loss tend to be intensified during the holidays, it’s important you mentally prepare yourself beforehand. By being aware the holidays will likely trigger heavy emotions, you can take steps to care for your tender heart as you go through them. O’Neill offers the following suggestions for grieving during this festive time of year:
- Be gentle with yourself - Rule No. 1 for dealing with grief during the holidays is be gentle with yourself. You may not get as much accomplished as you’d like. You may not be able to cook, entertain or shop. Go slow. Be kind to yourself. Lower your expectations. You are in pain and most of your energy is needed to deal with the grief.
- Listen to your body and your emotions - Trying to ignore your body and your em-otions during the holidays seldom works. To get your attention, your body may simply shut down, making you physically ill. This can happen even if your issues are mainly emotional in nature. Rather than battle an illness during the holidays, make time throughout the season to check in with your body and engage with your emotions.
- Seek out activities and people that lift your spirits - When dealing with grief during the holidays it is especially important to choose activities and people that will enliven your mood and lift your spirits. The last thing you want to do is apply your limited emotional and physical energy to activities and people that will further drain you or add to your emotional pain.
- Avoid the tendency to isolate - Hiding away is a common tendency for people who are experiencing grief, sadness and loss. It’s scary to be around others because you never know what people may say in response to your grief. While it’s somewhat risky to be social, loneliness is worse, and you need human contact and emotional support. Even short visits with safe, emotionally-healthy family and friends are better than no visits at all.
- Don’t overextend emotionally or physically - As a grieving person going through the holidays, you will probably notice you don’t have as much emotional and physical energy as usual. This is normal and OK. You don’t have as much to give others right now, and it’s perfectly acceptable for you to be on the receiving end for a time.
Set some boundaries around how much you’ll do, whether it be cooking, entertaining or shopping. Be realistic and don’t be afraid to turn down invitations and offers, even at the last minute. - Learn to say no- “No” is a powerful word that can help you set limits around what you will and will not do as you go through the holidays. Unfortunately, some family members and friends will not receive this word very well, but that is not your problem. You are not responsible for what other people think or feel about your limits. Your goal is to take care of yourself and to move through the holidays as best as you can. Saying no can help.
- Talk about how you’re feeling - Especially at the holidays, you will benefit from having a counselor, friend, pastor or support group to talk to about how you’re feeling. In the absence of a caring person, you can most certainly record your thoughts in a journal. Talking and journaling can help you work through intense feelings. These activities take swirling thoughts out of your head and provide emotional relief when you are feeling overwhelmed.
- Consider volunteering or helping someone in need - One of the best remedies for taking a temporary break from intense feelings is to put your focus on serving or helping someone else. Volunteer opportunities abound during the holidays. You can take a break from heavy emotions by serving at a soup kitchen, helping at a homeless shelter or supporting a church, community or school event.
- Reflect on the holidays you shared with your deceased loved one - One way to honor the memory of special people in your life is to remember them during the holidays. What role did they assume during times of celebration? What were his/her favorite aspects of the celebration? What memories do you have of them at this time of year? You may want to get out photos, letters and other items that remind you of him/her. Playing music or serving food your loved one enjoyed are other ways to honor them.
