»Why do I feel worse about losing my pet than a person?»: Exploring the shame behind unequal grief.
Friends of the Dog
Friends of the Dog
Grief doesn’t always follow the rules we expect. For many people, the loss of a beloved pet can hurt more — sometimes far more — than the death of a person. And that realization can bring with it a heavy, complicated feeling: shame. Why do we feel bad for grieving “too much” over an animal? And what does that say about our expectations of grief and emotional loyalty?
The Unique Bond Between Humans and Animals
To begin with, the relationship many people form with their pets is emotionally intimate, consistent, and uncomplicated in a way that human relationships often are not. Pets offer unconditional love without judgment. They are witnesses to our everyday lives, our private joys and sorrows, our daily routines. They don’t hold grudges, betray us, or challenge our identities. For some, a pet might have been their most reliable source of comfort during depression, trauma, or loneliness. Losing that presence can feel like losing a piece of emotional safety.
When Human Loss Doesn’t Feel the Same
The shame often creeps in when the loss of a pet hits harder than the death of a human — even a family member. People might think, “What kind of person feels more about their dog dying than about their own uncle?” But the truth is, grief is relational. If your relationship with a person was distant, strained, or emotionally unavailable, it’s not surprising that your emotional reaction to their passing might feel muted. There’s no moral failing in feeling more devastated over a being that brought you peace and love than over someone who didn't.
The Pressure to Perform “Proper” Grief
We live in a culture that still tends to see animal loss as “less than.” Many workplaces don’t offer bereavement leave for pet loss. Friends might say things like, “But it was just a cat.” These messages reinforce the idea that deep grief for animals is disproportionate, even self-indulgent. So when you find yourself wrecked by your pet’s passing — and less moved by a human death — you may start questioning yourself: Am I cold? Am I broken? Am I selfish?
This internal conflict is where shame sets in — not because your feelings are wrong, but because they don’t align with what you’ve been taught is acceptable to feel.
There’s No Hierarchy in Grief
Grief isn’t a competition. It's not measured by species, status, or what society thinks is “appropriate.” It's shaped by connection, attachment, history, and love. If a dog was your confidante, your comfort, and your constant, of course their loss may leave a larger hole than that of a relative you barely knew — or even a person who hurt you.
Naming and Releasing the Shame
The shame around grieving a pet more than a person often stems from internalized judgment — either your own or others’. Naming that shame is a first step toward letting it go. Try to reframe the question from “Why do I feel more about my pet?” to “What did this pet mean to me, and why did that matter so much?”
Validate your grief. Speak it out loud. Find spaces — whether with a friend, therapist, or support group — where pet loss is treated with the dignity it deserves. You’re not less human for grieving an animal deeply; you’re more attuned to love, connection, and presence.
Paw Thoughts
There is no shame in loving fiercely. And there is no shame in mourning deeply. Whether your heart breaks for a person or a pet, that pain comes from a place of having cared, and that’s never something to be ashamed of.
The Unique Bond Between Humans and Animals
To begin with, the relationship many people form with their pets is emotionally intimate, consistent, and uncomplicated in a way that human relationships often are not. Pets offer unconditional love without judgment. They are witnesses to our everyday lives, our private joys and sorrows, our daily routines. They don’t hold grudges, betray us, or challenge our identities. For some, a pet might have been their most reliable source of comfort during depression, trauma, or loneliness. Losing that presence can feel like losing a piece of emotional safety.
When Human Loss Doesn’t Feel the Same
The shame often creeps in when the loss of a pet hits harder than the death of a human — even a family member. People might think, “What kind of person feels more about their dog dying than about their own uncle?” But the truth is, grief is relational. If your relationship with a person was distant, strained, or emotionally unavailable, it’s not surprising that your emotional reaction to their passing might feel muted. There’s no moral failing in feeling more devastated over a being that brought you peace and love than over someone who didn't.
The Pressure to Perform “Proper” Grief
We live in a culture that still tends to see animal loss as “less than.” Many workplaces don’t offer bereavement leave for pet loss. Friends might say things like, “But it was just a cat.” These messages reinforce the idea that deep grief for animals is disproportionate, even self-indulgent. So when you find yourself wrecked by your pet’s passing — and less moved by a human death — you may start questioning yourself: Am I cold? Am I broken? Am I selfish?
This internal conflict is where shame sets in — not because your feelings are wrong, but because they don’t align with what you’ve been taught is acceptable to feel.
There’s No Hierarchy in Grief
Grief isn’t a competition. It's not measured by species, status, or what society thinks is “appropriate.” It's shaped by connection, attachment, history, and love. If a dog was your confidante, your comfort, and your constant, of course their loss may leave a larger hole than that of a relative you barely knew — or even a person who hurt you.
Naming and Releasing the Shame
The shame around grieving a pet more than a person often stems from internalized judgment — either your own or others’. Naming that shame is a first step toward letting it go. Try to reframe the question from “Why do I feel more about my pet?” to “What did this pet mean to me, and why did that matter so much?”
Validate your grief. Speak it out loud. Find spaces — whether with a friend, therapist, or support group — where pet loss is treated with the dignity it deserves. You’re not less human for grieving an animal deeply; you’re more attuned to love, connection, and presence.
Paw Thoughts
There is no shame in loving fiercely. And there is no shame in mourning deeply. Whether your heart breaks for a person or a pet, that pain comes from a place of having cared, and that’s never something to be ashamed of.
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