Pavlov: we fed the chicken on the opposite side of the road each day at 4 p.m. until the chicken’s autonomic system actually began causing the
chicken to cross the road at 4 p.m. without even questioning the “why.”
B.F. Skinner: on prior occasions when the chicken voluntarily crossed the road, this behavior was followed immediately by a reinforcing consequence.
Cesar Milan: I bullied, chased, poked, and intimidated the chicken until it raced across the road, because I am a strong leader…
Barbara Woodhouse: You just say, “Walkies” with the right accent and place a crumpet on the other side of the road…
Karen Pryor: by associating R+ with road crossing and P+ with standing
still, with a VR schedule, and offering a reward in keeping with the Premack principle, we increased the intensity and frequency of the road crossing
Pat Miller: I look forward to the day chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
Kathy Sdao: Chickens should be able to cross the road without having to earn the privilege - crossing the road in life is free!
Bill Koehler: a few well-timed pops on the choke chain and the chicken was
happy to cross the road.
Nicholas Dodman: I gave the chicken fluoxetine, sertraline, paroxetine,
carbamazepine, and azapirone and then it was happy to cross the road.
Patti Ruzzo: I crossed the road, pausing every step to spit a treat out of
my mouth like a human pez dispenser and the chicken followed along
catching the treats.
Electric Collar Advocate: whenever the chicken does not cross the road I
give it an electric shock. But do not worry, the shock is no more than you
would feel if you walked on a carpet wearing socks and it does not bother
the chicken at all. The feathers standing up and the smell of burning
flesh mean nothing. In fact, they are happier having nice clear communication
than they would be otherwise.
Yuppie: chickens are just like little people in feather jackets, and if
you love them and give them diamonds and feel sorry for them all the time,
they will be happy to cross the road for you.
Paris Hilton: Because I put it in a Gucci bag and carried it.
Shelter director: Any chickens that do not cross the road will be
euthanized for their own good, and the others we will “adopt” out tomorrow for only
$200 each. Please send us money so we can keep doing more of this
HSUS member: I do not know anything about animals, I have never been
around animals and am not really fond of animals, but we passed a law mandating
that chickens be kept without cages because animals belong only in the
wild and cannot be happy coexisting with man, so now they are walking wherever
PETA member: chickens have the right to live in world without roads. Any
chicken that lives within a hundred miles of a road is suffering an
inhumane existence and might eventually be hit by a car so we should kill it today
to ensure that it does not die tomorrow.