Press 01 to tell me your dog has been asked to leave the local obedience club because he won't sit, wait, down or come when called (even when on lead) so you thought you would try agility.
Press 02 if your Labrador is morbidly obese and you thought you would try agility.
Press 03 if you want 30 minutes of advice and have no intention of paying for it.
Press 04 if you describe your dog as 'a little bit naughty' when what you really mean is that the b*st*rd bites ... hard.
Press 05 if you want puppy training classes but your Boxer is already 12 months old.
Press 06 if you believe that just by turning up to one puppy training class and doing no work whatsoever at home, your puppy will grow up to be a well adjusted companion.
Press 07 if your nervous, aggressive GSD has bitten and hospitalized Aunt Maude, the vet, and your child and you want me to re-home it.
Press 08 if you have three children under school age, an invalid parent living at your home, a partner who works away, are pregnant with twins and want your 8 month old Dalmatian that never gets a walk to stop chewing every thing in sight.
Press 09 if you want to tell me my advice has not worked even though you have not tried it yet.
Press 10 if you want to be dog trainer and behaviorist because you like animals better than people.
Press 11 if you are 15 years old and want to do work experience with me but would faint if I asked you to pick up dog poop.
Press 12 if your dog is aggressive with other dogs but you want to join one of my groups because it will be nice for him to have some friends.
Press 13 if you cannot afford my private rates and want a discount because you only have one BMW.
Press 14 if you are cancelling your lesson that is due to start in 30 minutes and have no intention of paying the cancellation fee.
Press 15 if you do not believe in rewarding a dog and know that clicker training does not work because your friend Beryl said so.
Press 16 if you think your dog knows he has done wrong when you tell him off and that he obeys you because he respects you and acknowledges you are a superior being.
Press 17 if you want me to wave my magic wand over your contacts/weaves/start line waits in just one session and will then tell me it did not work when you go to a show just two days later with no training in the meantime.
Press 18 if you have eleven Jack Russell bitches in a small flat and you want me to teach them not to fight each other.
Press 19 if you already know everything about your breed because this is the fourth one you have had and I cannot tell you anything new.
Press 20 if you want me to pick up your dear departed dog's ashes from the vets and keep them at my house because you are too upset to have them in your home (true!).
Press 21 if you could not use a Gentle Leader, indoor crate, or harness because they are cruel.
Press 22 if you will not put a muzzle on your deadly aggressive dog because you do not want people to think he is nasty.
Press 23 if you want to leave an increasingly angry message for the third time this week demanding an urgent call back and yet again forget to give your name or number.
Press 24 if, having ascertained I am out, you wish ask my engineer husband for behavioral advice about your pet.
Press 25 if you wish to fill up my answering machine tape with an incoherent rambling message.
Press 26 if want your intact male adolescent dog to spend its days lying patiently on your front step on your unfenced property because dogs shouldn't want to run away, should they.
Press 27 if you want me to teach your untrained border collie to play with sheep because you think he will like it.
Press 28 if your dog thinks its name is "NO".
Press 29 if it is before 8am or after 10pm and you want to ask how to stop your 13 week old puppy from biting your 5, 7 and 9 year old boys when they play fight with it.
Press 30 if you have taken trouble to socialize and train your pet and want to make an appointment to learn even more fun stuff. No need to hold, I'll put you right through!